Whom then shall I fear?

We all have something we fear.

Whether it's something small like ants, spiders, flies, birds, dogs, and anything else like that. Then there are the bigger fears; heights, dying, not knowing what to do, stage fright, nightmares.

In the bad there is still some good and in the good there is still some bad.

That's the thing with us humans. We look at the bad and never see the good and we look at the good and never see the bad. But like in Thoreau's Civil Disobedience he gives out big pushes to the people and slaps them right in the face telling them, "Look at this country of ours! Do you not see how messed up it is? Quit with the same old procedure and get up and fight for justice in this injustice." Some got the message, others not so much. Thoreau is a great example of someone who sees the bad in the good and the good in the bad. Throughout his passage, Thoreau didn't want to completely shut down the government. He simply wanted to make it just and fair to all of the people. He has courage.

What is courage?

Courage is the ability to do something that frightens one.

Fear. Here is is again. Fear is within everything, but the only thing bigger than fear is courage.

In several movies I've seen there are millions of acts of courage being taken. In the Hunger Games, Katnis volunteers as tribute taking her sisters place in the sinister games when he name is drawn, Rise of the Guardians, little boy Jaime finally stands up against the boogyman saying "I believe in you but I'm not afraid of you", Divergent, Tris learns that she's divergent and puts a stop to the corrupt government when it goes out of hand. All of these acts of courage are shown in several other movies, but not acts of courage occur on the screen. Acts of courage come out of a person when they feel that something isn't right.  Yin yang.

When I was a baby, my mom was abused by my father. Big term, I know, BUT until I was 3 years old, she decided to leave. She was done with his bull and she was done with how unhappy her life was. She took me, grabbed our things and walked out, took a bus and moved in with my uncle for a while. That my friends took a lot of courage. For three years, she didn't leave afraid of him coming after her and beating her to death. Once we settled down, she pressed charges and since then we haven't heard of him, until 10 years later I got a phone call. Yin yang.

It was my turn to be the on to act with courage. Took a lot of nerve for him to call me after 10 years, but we still met up. All of us. My mother, my step-father, me, and....him. It was hard, but it was done. We met, sat, talked for what felt like an eternity in hell, and then he left. That was it. He was a bad man, but he had me in mind after all these years. Yin Yang.

I guess it was an act of courage he did as well too because he showed up too. Maybe everyone has had an act of courage and or are courageous.

Can you see the good in the bad and the bad in the good?

"Let it go"

 Everyone has a heart. It only takes a little effort to overcome "bad times".

Some are born with perfectly normal hearts. Some are born with difficulties within the heart. Some damage their own hearts from committing heinous acts or from experiencing something tragic that really takes a tole out of them.

Some don't have the best childhood. Some experience neglect. Some never know how to love. Some don't know what it is to be loved, to care, to be kind, to be respectful, to have a real smile on their face . Some experience abuse.

 So why is it that people loose the innocence of civility? Is it because of the world and the experiences we encounter? Or, is it because we can't let go?

I didn't have the best childhood. Neither did my mom, or my mom's mom, or her mom, and so on and so on. That's where the problem is. People don't know how to let go. Not just that, but people don't know how to overcome the problem and break the chain. This is where civility is taken away.

Civility means to be polite and respectful towards others.

"Civility means a great deal more than just being nice to one another. It is complex and 

encompasses learning how to connect successfully and live well with others, developing 

thoughtfulness, and fostering effective self-expression and communication. Civility includes 

courtesy, politeness, mutual respect, fairness, good manners, as well as a matter of good 

health. Taking an active interest in the well-being of our community and concern for the 

health of our society is also involved in civility." 

                                                     --P. M. Forni

 The fact that my relatives can't let go is a huge interference with their civility. They are so "butt-tight" about the past that their entire lives revolve around it.That's one thing that you don't want to have in your life. Instead of keeping those bad times locked onto your shoulder, let it go and use all that past to change into the person with true civility, your true self. Everyone has something they want become, to use, to endure in life and be proud of. So let it go.

In Disney's new movie Frozen, Elza was afraid of hurting the people of the kingdom after hurting her sister. She isolated herself and lived in fear. In fear that she couldn't control her power, but in the of the film, she finally learned to let go of fear, of the past. Want to know with what? With love. Love that came from the civility that aroused within her.

It all starts with civility. Politeness. Respect. Courtesy.

With civility towards yourself you bring peace to you and to others. You will learn to accept your past and let go, learn how to love others and yourself, be kind, and smile for real this time. Civility that will be shown through you, your past, your future.

So let it go.

An Open Letter to an Author

Dear Mr. Eugenides,

 My name is Heidy and I am a high school junior. I was asked to choose a novel of my choice (with the approval of my English teacher) for a book club project and I chose your book Middlesex. I chose this book because the title itself is interesting and then also because my friends who have read your book already recommended it, and here I am already through with it. Let me just say... wow. You know how to write a great novel. This specific book had so much going on, i sometimes had to re-read the entire chapter just to understand what had just happened to Lucky or Tessie. The themes in the book really seem to affiliate to the different generations set up in this novel.
 To be honest, I never would've imagined how horrible humans in our society are. I knew that people were rude and immature but the characters in this book against what isn't natural really know how to show their feelings through hatred and disgust in their physical aggression and aggressive verbal communication. I cried imagining those men beating up Cal.

"No sooner had the other one done so than he let go of me as though i were contaminated. He stood up, enraged. By silent agreement, they began to kick me. As they did, they uttered curses. The one who had pinned me drove his toe into my side. I grabbed his leg and hung on.

 'Let go of me, you fucking freak!'

The other one was kicking me in the head. He did it three or four times before I blacked out."

  I knew that I was a sensitive person, but just imagining the torture Cal went through just in those few sentences really connected with me emotionally. I won't go into detail, but my past wasn't the very best. As a matter of fact, I honestly believe that if I still lived in the same house with that man at the age I am now, I would've ran away just like Cal and unlike Cal, I wouldn't return. Luckily, my past is my past and I will never be able to go back to it and my present is worthier.

 Other than horrendous images, there were also some rather enraging moments I had with this book.
"I hope you learn a lesson from this. mixing with the wrong crowd can sink you. You seem like a nice guy, Mr. Stephanides. You really do. We wish you the best of luck in the future."

This quote is the story of my life right now. I hang out with the "wrong crowd" and have had many adults that are concerned ask me and anonymously tell me "to find better friends." I've found those "better friends", and they stabbed me in the back. Here Jimmy Zizmo is the bad influence on Lefty's life. My group are bad influences on me, yet just like Jimmy, they stood next to me and helped me get back on my feet. Those better friends just left me to the side. So, yeah this quote enrages me because if Lefty never had met Jimmy, Lefty never would have even gotten to where he almost was, like myself.   

This book of yours is truly inspiring. I mean in the sense of believing in what you believe in and continuing strong. Standing up for your rights. Our beliefs. I'm glad I read this book.

Sincerely,
Heidy Quintana

Work of Fiction- Part 2

1. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
Total Pages: 529
Pages read so far: 529

6. This book is set up in chronological order, spanning 80 years of a stained, near- mythic Greek American family history, as 41 year-old hermaphrodite who was raised as Calliope, explaines a fateful incestuous union in a small town in the early 1920s suburbs of Detroit and a confusing love story to modern-day Berlin.

9. This novel is once of the most complex novels I have ever read. There is just so much going on that I sometimes had to re-read the chapter to understand what was going on. For exapmly, the fact that it changes scenes from Cal's life in Berlin then back to Desdemonia and Lucky in the 1920s. I for one had trouble with identifying what was being said. I liked this book, actually. It not only gave backgound information on the history like in page 71 the author embedded a story about a Princess name Si Ling-chi from China whom discovered silk and thus started the Silk trade, but it also had an interesting plot and structure. I never would've guessed the events that would occur after one scene. Like I didn't see Callie getting hit by a tractor from running away from the Object's brother whom she just kicked his ass for calling her and the Object lesbians after getting caught fingering each other. WOAH! But, man this book certainly is a thumbs up.

5."I hope you learn a lesson from this. mixing with the wrong crowd can sink you. You seem like a nice guy, Mr. Stephanides. You really do. We wish you the best of luck in the future."

This quote is the story of my life right now. I hang out with the "wrong crowd" and have had many adults that are concerned ask me and anonymously tell me "to find better friends." I've found those "better friends", and they stabbed me in the back. Here Jimmy Zizmo is the bad influence on Lefty's life. My group are bad influences on me, yet just like Jimmy, they stood next to me and helped me get back on my feet. Those better friends just left me to the side. So, yeah this quote enrages me because if Lefty never had met Jimmy, Lefty never would have even gotten to where he almost was.   

Work of Fiction- Part 1

1. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
Total Pages: 529
Pages read so far: 106

2: Main Character: Calliope Stephanides. Now known as Callie is a hermaphrodite which makes her known as Cal. Cal unravels a guilty family secret that's three generations long to explain her condition. She will end up revealing the end of how she is the way she is and will explain her life in the present tense.

3. I like how Cal starts off with a little bit of her character and then starts how it was that she was made, then to the generation by generation sequences afterward. It's in chronological order which doesn't make things hard to keep up. I don't like however, the fact that its traced so far back in time. I mean, I understand that you have to go all the way to the beginning to actually show where things started out in, but the time periods are just too far back. The time does explain how each character is the way they are, but still. It's still a good book.

5. "'We fell in love,' Lefty said. He'd never announce it to a stranger before, and it made him feel happy and frightened all at once."

This quote, I don't know, made  me feel excitement. As far as I've read in the book, the fact that Lefty is allowing his and Desdemona's relationship be alive and real to the world just gave me joy and hope for their relationship. They are cousins married together, but in America now, Detroit to be specific, they can start a life together that will make them happy, but then again things like their relationship has its tolls.

Home is whenever I'm with you...

 We are like pets. We were raised a certain way with what is right and what is wrong just like a cat or a dog is trained to behave and obey. At some point we go to school, make friends and get influenced or involved with many new ideas and tactics that we never knew before like who to like and who not to like.
Unspoken rule #3764536. 
Unspoken rules that help us belong.

 Unspoken rules are rules that aren't said or written but simply known from a phrase, a gesture, or an action. Like in high school. High school is FULL of unspoken rules. Becky is walking down the hall with her best friend Sarah. As they pass a couple, a girl in a green sweater leaning against a stick-figure of a guy, Sarah mugs them with dark beady eyes growling at the sight of them.That right there is and automatic "Don't talk to her or him." Unspoken rule #785947685. Girl code and guy code are unspoken rules people should already know what's up. Unspoken rule #997694798740. If one doesn't know the codes, then he or she will not belong. Unspoken rule #14556

 The meaning of belonging is just as it sound, to be a part of something. These unspoken rules are a major part in the pathway of belonging. They are what creates a group in the first place. It sets a boundary; a boundary that is strictly enforced. In our own homes there are strict unspoken rules that we already know from our mothers tone in her voice. "Don't put your feet on the couch." Okay, no feet on the couch. Unspoken rule #5687946975. "Can you move?!" Keep at least 10 to 15 feet away from her. Unspoken rule #21454351384321. So many types of tones in a mothers voice is an indication at whether you should run or not. "Honey, could you make some popcorn?" Mom's in a good mood meaning movie marathon tonight! Unspoken rule #196705967905. With any authoritative figure we know, unspoken rules are what keep us belonging on the good side.

 Whether it's being at home or going to school, unspoken rules are what made you who you are and where you are. Belonging in the place you should be in.

What I read

Reading for me is like a light wind when I am reading just for me. When I read for a class project or something else, it's like a thunderstorm with lightning and thunder crashing my mind down with fear because I either don't like the book or don't understand it.

 In this past semester, I have read the following books:
- Just One Day by Gayle Forman
- If I Stay by Gayle Forman
- Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
- The Great Gatsby
- The Perfect Chemistry
- Loves me, Loves Me not
- Columbine
- The Best Of Me
- Marked
- The Truth About Forever
- Just Listen


 Out of all these books the books I enjoyed the most were The Perfect Chemistry, Loves Me, Loves m
Me Not, Just One Day, and If I Stay. I enjoyed these books very much because not only was the plot interesting, but I could actually relate to the main characters. They made me laugh, oh ho! They made me cry.  I have already recommended these books to my cousin in Oklahoma who LOVES to read.

 To be honest I don't remember any of my goals from the beginning of the school year. I tried to look and see if I had written it anywhere, but I can't find it. I don't remember if my reading rate goal to do  for each week was at least 200 pages or more a week at the beginning of the year or not but, I do remember having said that I wanted to read at least 20 to 30 books by the end of this whole school year. And so far I think That with this upcoming break, I can reach that goal of 20 to 30 books read. After school I try to manage to set aside 30 minutes to an hour for me to read my book, but since I'm the oldest of 4 kids in our home, it's been quite hard for me to fit those 30 minutes to an hour in my after school schedule. Don't get me wrong, I do read! It's just that it's a hassle to have some alone time. I will continue to overcome this obstacle and read more at home, though. It's a work in progress. I'm 20 books away from reaching my goal now so, it will happen.